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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28744680">against the dying of the light</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayelem/pseuds/kayelem'>kayelem</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Post-Canon Fix-It, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, this is gonna hurt before it gets better</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 14:02:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,931</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28744680</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayelem/pseuds/kayelem</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Alt leaves them to talk and then it’s just V and Johnny and this suddenly vast chasm between them and what they each want. She wants to leave with Alt, he wants her to live. Up til now they’ve been on the same page - Johnny gets wiped and V gets her body back. </i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>V goes. Johnny stays. Nothing goes the way they hoped.</p><p>[Told in shorts]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Johnny Silverhand &amp; Female V, Johnny Silverhand/Female V, Johnny Silverhand/V, Past River/V</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>211</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. i. a moment</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I hurt my own feelings writing this.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em> i. a moment </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>“You should call anyone you wanna say goodbye to.” </p><p> </p><p>She calls River, which doesn’t exactly surprise him given V’s odd attachment to the cop - sorry. EX-cop. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Can’t believe you made me fuck a cop.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> V gives him a mean little smirk that he swears she’s gotten from him. The bleedover is becoming more obvious the longer they’re together. And neither of them want to acknowledge what that means (that more and more She is becoming Them, is becoming Him). </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Don’t get butthurt - I know you enjoyed yourself. Can’t hide it from me, rockerboy.” And she taps a polished finger to her temple before walking through him. He fucking hates when she does that... which is exactly why she does it. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Johnny turns away, tries to give V what privacy he can, walls off his feelings. He hates how goddamn weak her voice is, how it’s lost that smoke and whiskey tonality that he’s come to - </p><p> </p><p>No. No... <em> Fuck no.  </em></p><p> </p><p>Johnny won’t even let himself <em> think </em> it. It’s not fucking fair to either of them. He’s getting wiped from the Relic in a matter of hours, he’s not going to leave V with the ghost of <em> that </em>. He’s done enough to her already. And they don’t have the time for him to make it up to her, make it right. </p><p> </p><p>“... rockerboy with an inflated ego.” </p><p> </p><p>That sharp something in V’s chest digs deep enough that Johnny feels its echo in his chest. And when he turns he finds the full force of V’s attention on him, her eyes so fucking blue in the half light. The Relic is wrecking her body, shredding her grey matter like crepe paper, but it has not dulled the sheer <em> force of nature </em> that is V. Small favors, that. If she wasn’t so goddamn stubborn, if she didn’t fight tooth and fucking nail every step of the way Johnny’s sure his engram would have overwritten her within a week.</p><p> </p><p>And wouldn’t that have been a fucking tragedy. </p><p> </p><p>She’s only half focused on her conversation, and Johnny suddenly feels the curious, gentle touch of V’s mind against that wall he threw up. </p><p> </p><p>She’s been that more and more with him - gentle. Soft. </p><p> </p><p>But Johnny doesn’t know what the fuck to do with soft, with gentle. Because he’s <em> not </em> soft and he’s <em> not </em> gentle, and the world has never been kind enough to teach him. Rogue tried, once, a lifetime ago but it was too late by then and all it got her was something to sharpen her own edges on. He takes every soft and gentle and delicate thing anyone’s ever tried to give him and hardens it, sharpens it, hones it into a weapon they can use to protect themselves from him. </p><p> </p><p>Johnny pushes himself to his feet, crosses the three strides it takes to put him toe to toe with V. And she’s still talking to River, but all her attention is on him. His hand twitches at his side, because even though V’s expression is carefully shuttered Johnny can feel a desperate longing clawing at that mental wall in place of the curiosity now. </p><p> </p><p>It’s a question, a plea, though Johnny feels it more than anything, the way it colors her mind in purples and blues - <em> please, please tell me it’s not just me.  </em></p><p> </p><p>He can’t return to her the gift of her gentleness, the softness and kindness - the grace and strength to put up with his constant bullshit. But he lets his fingertips caress over her cheek (and the fact that he can feel the fever heat of her skin tells him they’re well and truly fucked - makes him wonder if it’s just too late now to separate them, to save her), and Johnny can at least give her this. A moment, that’s all it is, because that’s all there’s time for and he doesn’t dare for more than his thumb along the soft plush of her bottom lip. </p><p> </p><p>Because it’s not just V, never was.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. ii. separation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>ii. separation</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>“You had this planned this the whole fuckin’ time, didn’t you? Why you went with the nomads, fuckin’ shut me out so I wouldn’t be able to stop you!” </p><p> </p><p>V nods, “Yeah. I’m not sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>For a moment Johnny’s so fucking angry he’s certain he hates her, can’t catch his breath around the ferocity of it. But V just sits there, looking healthier than she has in weeks even though it’s cyberspace and smiles at him, something gentle and pitying. And he already feels the absence of her too keenly, because Alt separated them the moment V jacked in to Mikoshi. It’s simultaneously too loud and too quiet in his own head, the wild chaos of his thoughts no longer tempered and soothed by V. </p><p> </p><p>“Alt, give us a minute?” V says, and there’s something different about her voice here. It’s lighter, like all the weight and the pain she’s carried is finally, finally gone. </p><p> </p><p>“Of course, I will be waiting.” </p><p> </p><p>Alt leaves them to talk and then it’s just V and Johnny and this suddenly vast chasm between them and what they each want. She wants to leave with Alt, he wants her to live. Up til now they’ve been on the same page - Johnny gets wiped and V gets her body back. </p><p> </p><p>“You heard what Alt said, I go back I’m dead in half a year and that don’t do either of us any good.” </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah? An’ if I take your body how’m I s’posed to live with that? The whole fuckin’ point of this was to save your fuckin’ life!” </p><p> </p><p>V shrugs. “Maybe. But that ain’t gonna happen. You can’t save me, Johnny, but I can save you. Let me do that.” </p><p> </p><p>She pushes herself to her feet and sets off toward that beam of light that will lead her to some other existence, somewhere he can’t reach her. And he doesn’t want this, doesn’t want this, <em> doesn’twantthis. </em> He expected a fight because there was still that small nagging piece of V that told her when the time came that he wasn’t going to keep his word. But he never expected that V would go <em> willingly </em> with no fight at all. It goes against everything Johnny’s come to know about her. </p><p> </p><p>“V, wait.” She ignores him, doesn’t even slow her stride and damn her long ass legs. “<em>Valencia!”  </em>He catches her around the elbow on a reflex and the solidity of her surprises him. He can <em> touch </em> her here. “Why’re you doing this? Takin’ the easy way, this ain’t like you! You’re smart enough to figure out a way to save your life on the outside, got enough people to help you too.”</p><p> </p><p>“You know why, I know you do.” </p><p> </p><p>“I wanna hear you fucking say it!”</p><p> </p><p>“No.” And she pulls her arm away, keeps walking away from him. </p><p> </p><p>“Fuckin’ coward,” he snarls. He supplants himself in front of her again, gets in her face and maybe if V didn’t know him inside and out it would work. But she knows he’s trying to bait her, knows he doesn’t really mean it. She stopped being intimidated by him a long time ago in favor of just being exasperated by him. </p><p> </p><p>“Stop Johnny, just stop. Please.” </p><p> </p><p>“No. If you’re gonna sacrifice yourself for me, I damn well deserve to hear you say it!” </p><p> </p><p>“Jesus <em> fucking </em> Christ! Because I love you, you <em> stupid </em> motherfucker!” V finally screams at him, so loud his ears ring and it echoes around them ( <em> love you... ove you…. ve you) </em>. She shoves him, or tries to, but Johnny catches her wrists, keeps her hands pressed to his chest. “I love you and I am so fucking tired! This city has taken everything from me, I won’t let it take you! It already did once. So just… let me go, let me do this.” </p><p> </p><p>And then Johnny’s pulling her to him and his hands are in her hair and his mouth is on hers. He swallows the surprised gasp that leaves her, feels V’s hands tighten in his shirt, her nails scraping against his chest. It’s not gentle, not soft because Johnny doesn’t know how to be those things independent from V. It’s harsh and bruising because he knows the marks won’t stay, this is the first and last time he’s going to feel the weight of her in his arms. </p><p> </p><p>He’s making this harder than it needs to be on purpose. Because he <em> wants </em> the hurt, the ache, the pain when he thinks about her from now on. He wants to know that she was real, that <em> this </em> was real. Because someday this place will change V, just like it changed Alt and if he ever meets her again it won’t be his V. </p><p> </p><p>And it’s not until after, when he’s back in a body that’s both familiar and alien, and his mind is <em>quiet</em> that Johnny realizes… </p><p> </p><p>he never said it back.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. iii. beyond the blackwall</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><em> iii. </em>  <em>beyond the blackwall</em></p>
</blockquote><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>Cyberspace is… different. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Not good, not bad just… different. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>V’s not sure how long it takes her to gain her bearings, how long before she can navigate the Net more freely. She was a halfway decent Netrunner on the other side, but full integration with the Net has a steep learning curve. And other than the occasional Netrunner making their way to her corner of the Net, there’s no way to mark the passing of time. But those occasions are few and far between. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But what V likes the most about it is that nothing hurts. She can think about her brother and her sister, her parents, about Jackie and it's not coupled with that sharp, twisting pain she used to feel in her whole chest or the bitter taste of guilt and regret. V can think about Johnny without feeling like her heart is in a vice or like she’s trying to swallow glass. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Memories are just that - memories. Simplified down to ones and zeroes. She can pull the data, reconstruct and relive the scene without that adrenaline doused, frantic mania in which she originally lived it because she’s not trying to outrun her mortality. She can rewind, pause, say things she didn’t the first time - though Johnny’s answers don’t change. Sometimes... sometimes V can fool herself into thinking he’s there. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “I will do you no wrong.”  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Still feel that sharp something near your heart?”  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Not more important than you.”  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ... “Would you take a bullet for me?”  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>V did more than that, in the end. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She keeps an eye on him in her own way - scans through the memories of the Netrunners she encounters to see if Johnny’s using her name to make one for himself; or uses that connection to slip back past the blackwall, navigate her way through phone calls, emails, access points until she finds the digital traces that lead to him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She dares leave a message. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>If Alt knows about it, and V is almost certain that she does, she never says anything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The digitized minds released from Mikoshi seem to occupy the majority of Alt’s bandwidth for a time. She doesn’t integrate all of them, just the ones that could prove to be trouble. Other skilled Netrunners who ran afoul of Arasaka, enemies of the company that then stripped their minds, political figures with dangerous ideas, other people like Johnny who thought they could go against Arasaka and win. People who would try to make it back across the blackwall, gain unwanted attention. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Even Saburo Fucking Arasaka himself. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>And V’s not sure why she’s surprised when the news of that rings out through the Net. Probably because she had been too focused on saving her own fucking skin that she never stopped to consider they would hit Saburo with Soulkiller to try and preserve his mind. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then there are the others, the ones who are just happy to be free of Mikoshi. These, Alt gives jobs - stand watch at the weakest points in the blackwall, be the first touchpoint for intrepid Netrunners, or vanguards against NetWatch. They’re all too happy to help in exchange for their freedom. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But Alt is not successful with every integration, some of them manage to slip her. That’s when she turns to V. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She can’t even escape merc work in fucking cyberspace. Go fucking figure. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She wants to be annoyed about it, but at least she’s not bored. And maybe doing something familiar will help V hold on to herself here, buy her more time before she becomes like Alt. Alt equips her with the tools and knowledge to track the rogues and if she can’t take them back to Alt with either force or coercion, well, then there’s no use for them, is there? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Alt turns her into a virus.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you guys for reading and for all the love so far! </p>
<p>you can find me on tumblr @prettyandsarcastic :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. iv. message sent</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>iv. message sent</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Johnny's been doing surprisingly well all things considered… well, most of the time, anyway. </p><p> </p><p>Is it weird as shit being stuck in a chick’s body, rather than just taking it for a joy ride? A hundred fucking percent. Does the fact that it's <em> V’s </em> body make it worse? Abso-fucking-lutely. </p><p> </p><p>But what are his other options? Maybe he could find some random coma patient, load the shard with his engram into them. And because there’s no consciousness there anymore it would be significantly less of a struggle to claim the body. And what the fuck did Johnny care about some random half-dead gonk who needed a machine to breathe for them? </p><p> </p><p>But… <em>V’s</em> <em>body</em>. Pull the engram out of it and her body will start to die because there's no "brain" anymore. And wouldn't that just be spitting in the face of the last gift V gave him. </p><p> </p><p>So Johnny tries his damn best to take care of it, he figures he at least owes V that. Stops smoking, stops the drugs. Stops violating and abusing her—<em> his </em> (fucking Christ he's never going to get used to that) body and mind in every way he used to crave. </p><p> </p><p>And to everyone's shock, it goes well! He gets steady gigs from Rogue (despite the fucking earful and gun in his face she first gave him about keeping V's body), he drinks and jams with Kerry again, even manages to make Panam not hate him by some fucking miracle (though it takes some fucking work - hard nut to crack that one).</p><p> </p><p>And then… and then there are the bad days. </p><p> </p><p>The days Johnny smashes every goddamn reflective surface in his apartment because he doesn't want to see V's fucking face. Days he can't force himself to turn on a light because if it's dark he can pretend he's still just a passenger in V's body. When it's so fucking quiet in his head, and he feels so <em> other </em> that Johnny screams until his throat is raw. Nights he goes to clubs, drinks to numb, and then pushes into the mosh pit just to feel the other bodies jostle and jar him, ground him into this body; and the crush of bodies, and the liquor haze, and the pounding bass in his chest just barely manages to lessen the gaping void V left behind. </p><p> </p><p>And those are the days Johnny fucking <em> hates </em> her. Hates V for leaving him behind, leaving him alone. Making him live without her. He hates her with every bit of violence and vitriol caged behind his ribs.</p><p> </p><p>Hates her for fucking loving him. </p><p> </p><p>Because Johnny's life for V's isn't a fair goddamn trade and never will be. He had lived his life - and screwed it up every step of the damn way right up to the wrong end of Smasher's gun and Soulkiller frying his brain. And he had made his peace with all of it. All V had ever tried to do was make a decent life for herself, something she could have been proud of. And all Night City did was fuck her six ways to Sunday. </p><p> </p><p>She deserved better, more. And she sure as fuck deserved someone better than him —</p><p> </p><p>— The computer dings with an incoming message and if Johnny hadn't already been on his feet teetering on the edge of a downward spiral, contemplating the pill bottle in his hand, he wouldn't have made the effort to cross the room. But he does. Sets the bottle down and opens the message. </p><p> </p><p>At first Johnny thinks it's just a spam message. There's no sender and it starts with the usual jumbled bunch of nonsense characters most spam messages do. And it's dated over a year ago. But then he sees his name and stops scrolling. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Johnny.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I'm still here, still me.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Everything's gonna be okay. Promise.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> … Still feel that sharp something near YOUR heart? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> &lt;3  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Johnny picks up the bottle and swallows four pills dry. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter was supposed to be more, uh, hopeful. Buuut that didn't happen. Oh well. MORE PAIN. </p><p>Thank you guys for your continued love for this random thing that hit my brain at like 2am when I couldn't sleep. It really means the world to me and I love you all!!</p><p>As always you can find me on tumblr @prettyandsarcastic come say hi!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. v. breach</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>we're bullshitting some technobabble in this one, kids!</p><p>also it's short, but important for setting up Plot (cuz surprisingly this story has one!)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>
      <span>v</span>
    </em>
    <span>. <em>breach</em></span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>
  <span>They have a problem. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alt summons V to one of those weak points in the blackwall and there they find the shredded data of one of the minds Alt designated to this area. They've seen things like this before, with some of the rogue minds Alt had not managed to integrate, but up til now it's mostly been data corruption, code glitches, bugs - easy enough things to fix with a scrub and reset. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But this? There's nothing left to even piece back together. This was violent, malicious. This was calculated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"It was Saburo," Alt informs her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Thought you integrated him?" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"As did I. However, in diving into his code I discovered more than one copy was made of his mind; piggybacked into the minds of some Arasaka soldiers."  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Like the pharaohs and emperors of the ancient world, entombing their servants and guards with them when they died. V grudgingly admits that it makes a sick sort of sense - making more than one copy of Saburo's mind. If any of Arasaka's enemies (corporate or otherwise) learned that a copy of Saburo's mind had been made after his death they likely would have made attempts on Mikoshi themselves just to delete it. But make a copy and bury it, encrypt it into some of their most loyal soldiers' minds? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's brilliant in an megalomaniacal sort of way.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"How many copies escaped?" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"That I am aware of? Only one. I have the other rogue Arasaka soldiers quarantined until I am able to scan them and extract Saburo's code from them. I will require you to go after the one that escaped and I will close this door behind you." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because if one of the rogue Arasaka soldiers knows about this weakness, this open door back through the blackwall, then they all do. They all run on the same frequency of subroutines. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I figured as much," V sighs. "Gonna need a point of contact on the other side, an access point where I can leave a backdoor." Alt of course already knows all of this, but it makes V feel better to say it out loud. “It’ll be a hell of a lot easier with some help.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I will make contact with Brigitte.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s no one V would rather deal with </span>
  <em>
    <span>less</span>
  </em>
  <span> and Alt knows it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>... However, the Voodoo Boys’ subnet is well secured enough that V can slip back and forth as needed without drawing any unwanted attention. Because this isn’t one of those quick trips she sometimes makes through a Netrunner's link where she leaves little to no trace. If V’s right, and she’s almost certain she is - she’s going to come into contact with Arasaka Netrunners who want nothing more than to regain Saburo’s engram. And the Voodoo Boys’ counter security and encryptions will protect her from being traced back to the blackwall and Alt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>V also knows that Brigitte isn’t going to help for free. She’s going to want more access to the old net. But Alt must have already calculated the risks, weighed the possible outcomes and decided it was worth it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For better or worse, V has no choice but to trust her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine. But they try and fry me again? I’ll shred through their neural networks and leave each and every one of them in puddle of their own drool... They'll be lucky if I don't do it anyway." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At least cyberspace hasn't diminished her vicious streak, yet. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Also, you wanna hurt your feelings?<br/>Go listen to "Save Me" by Jelly Roll and think about Johnny telling V he's not worth them giving up their body for 😭</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. vi. visitor</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>vi. visitor</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>There’s someone in the room with him. He can hear them breathing, hear the crackle of a cigarette as they inhale, smell the smoke as they exhale.</p><p> </p><p>Where even is he? And how the fuck did he get here? His head is killing him, the inside of his mouth feels like he swallowed sand and tastes like the wrong end of a dog.  </p><p> </p><p>“Wish I could say I’m fucking surprised.” </p><p> </p><p>Johnny rolls over with a groan - holy shit does he <em> hurt.</em> Did he get hit by a truck? Fuck. </p><p> </p><p>Sitting in a chair across the room is a woman draped in what has to be one of the tackiest outfits he’s ever seen. Which honestly isn’t saying much considering Night City’s street fashion trends. But a light shifts outside, casting her face in shadow for just a moment, but it’s long enough for Johnny to catch the neon blue glow of her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>It’s a fucking Doll. </p><p> </p><p>Johnny curses, his heart moving into overdrive, reaches to where he <em> thought </em> he had strapped V’s favorite handgun and instead his hand flails uselessly at his hip. <em> Fuck! Fuck! Fuckfuckfuck! </em>He sits up so fast his vision statics out for a moment, his stomach does an unsettling flip, but he starts digging around in the stain riddled blankets for V’s fucking gun. </p><p> </p><p>He can’t have lost it, lost one more thing connecting him to —</p><p> </p><p>“Looking for this?” she says and holds up the gun. She sets the cigarette between her purple painted lips and ejects the mag, empties the chamber then sets it beside her on the table with the pill and liquor bottles. “Gotta admit I’m surprised you haven’t hawked this yet.” </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah? And who the fuck’re you s’posed to be?” he demands, voice rough as gravel. </p><p> </p><p>The doll gives an inelegant snort, takes a long drag of her cigarette. “I dunno, Johnny, how many people you got left that would drag your fucking sorry, ungrateful ass out of the gutter?” </p><p> </p><p>He freezes at the sound of his own name. There are only a handful of people that know who’s really occupying this body. Rogue, Panam, Kerry, Judy, River (though that was out of necessity), Vik, Misty and —</p><p> </p><p>“... Valencia?” </p><p> </p><p>“What? Not happy to see me?” V’s smile on the doll’s face is something feral. </p><p> </p><p>Just the opposite. He’s fucking <em> thrilled, </em> he can’t breathe around the size of it in his chest, feels like he’s going to burst (or maybe puke). But he can’t imagine <em> she’s </em> happy to see <em> him </em> right now. But Johnny doesn’t care, <em> can’t </em> care about that right now. She’s <em> here,</em> she’s <em> back. </em></p><p> </p><p>And he doesn't give a fuck about the How or Why of it. Doesn't care how she managed it, whatever fucking deal she had to make with Alt. Johnny doesn't even give a fuck about how ass backwards it is that V's in a doll and he's in <em>her</em> body. They could make it work somehow, right? It's still her and still him, still <em>them</em>.</p><p> </p><p>V stands as Johnny stumbles and staggers to his feet. He wants nothing more than to drag V into his arms, but just when he’s within arm’s length reach -- </p><p> </p><p>The side of his face explodes in a burst of pain and sudden metallic tang of copper between his teeth. Her next blow catches him beneath the ribs, knocks all the air from his lungs and he drops like a rock, doubled over on himself. V sighs, crouches down next to him so she’s eye level with him while his lungs spasm, trying to drag in some oxygen. </p><p> </p><p>“You stupid fucking gonk! You really haven’t changed one fucking bit have you? You’re given a second chance, a real second chance and you go right back to trying to flatline yourself?” </p><p> </p><p>“How’d - how’d you... even find me?” </p><p> </p><p>“What, like it was hard? Just followed the absolute wreckage you leave behind you, Johnny! You’re not exactly subtle. That sure as fuck hasn’t changed!” </p><p> </p><p>“Fuck you!” he spits when he's finally able to drag in a lungful of air. “You don’t get to fuckin’ judge me, V! You fuckin’ <em> left </em> me! How the fuck’m I s’posed to do this, huh? <em> What </em> the fuck am I s’posed to do? It’s so goddamn quiet in here -” he jabs a finger to his forehead “- I can’t fuckin’ stand it! I tried, V, I did! Sorry I fuckin' disappointed you!”</p><p> </p><p>V rolls her eyes, pushes herself to her feet and starts to pace. “Oh, of fucking course it’s all about Johnny once again! Center of the fucking universe! How long did you last, huh? A month, <em>two</em>?”</p><p> </p><p><em> Over a fuckin’ year,</em> he doesn’t say, can’t make his mouth form the words, his tongue feels too thick in his mouth.</p><p> </p><p>“Boo-fuckin’-hoo, grow the fuck up!” She continues. “You think I let you have my body because I thought it would be <em> easy</em>?” </p><p> </p><p>Johnny’s vision is starting to tunnel, his head feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. “Told ya… Didn’t want it. M’not worth… you.” </p><p> </p><p>The last thing he hears is V’s loud sigh as she crouches down beside where he’s collapsed to the floor once again. “You don’t get to decide your worth to me, Johnny. That’s not how love works.” </p><p> </p><p>When Johnny wakes up next, it’s to the bright afternoon sun rudely washing over his face. He thinks he must have dreamt V because his memories of the previous night all have that hazy dreamlike quality to them. But then he spots the unloaded gun, the single bullet that had been in the chamber standing upright on the edge of the table.</p><p> </p><p>And something cleaves open his chest and it’s just like losing her all over again. Because she didn't stay.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I contemplated whether I was going to have Panam be the one to kick his ass instead but I wanted it to HURT, ya know? 😈</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. vii. bargaining chip</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em> vii. bargaining chip </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>Saburo’s trying to bargain with her. V has chased his engram through the net, from server to server, her malware burning him out of every safe haven left to him and he’s trying to <em> bargain </em> with her. He’s <em> afraid </em> of her, of what she can <em> do </em>. As he should be considering what V had done to the soldier that had been harboring his construct. Nothing left to piece together - it only seemed fair.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For what must be the first time in Saburo Arasaka’s existence, someone has power over him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>And V is just absolutely tickled pink that it’s <em> her</em>. A dirtgirl from Heywood, where violence was part and parcel and if you didn’t get blood on your hands then it was your blood in the street. A gutter rat lording over an emperor. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“The fuck do you think you could offer me? You have nothing I want, and here? You’re powerless.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Not even the location of Silverhand’s body?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>V freezes. He’s lying. He must be. There’s no way Johnny’s body is still around. No fucking way. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I would be <em> very </em> careful with what you say to me next, old man,” she warns him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Johnny Silverhand’s body was placed in cryogenic storage after his engram was extracted; I can tell you where in exchange for allowing me to return to Arasaka.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why?” V demands. “Why the fuck would you hold on to his body? What good does it do you after Soulkiller?”  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Does it matter?” Saburo replies. “That information is not part of this bargain.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And what makes you think I won’t just rip the info out of you now that I know it’s there?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You may try; but any attempt to extract the information by force will result in its deletion.” He grins at her now, sharp and self-satisfied. “Tell me again how I have no power here, girl.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Fuck... <em> Fuck</em>. What the actual fuck.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What the fuck is she going to do? Did Alt know about this? She must have considering she integrated one copy of Saburo’s engram. Unless the programming considered integration into another system as a kind of forced extraction. And if it did, Alt may have known Johnny’s body was in cryo, but <em> not </em> where it was located. So what would the point have been in telling V? There'd be nothing she could have done with the information. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>And if Alt knew, V grudgingly understands why she wouldn’t say anything. Because she's known about it for all of five seconds and she’s considering making a deal with the fucking devil. All for Johnny. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Because it’s always for Johnny. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>And maybe if he had his own body back he could… move on. From his self-destruction, from Night City, from… her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “You fuckin’ left me! How the fuck’m I s’posed to do this, huh? What the fuck am I s’posed to do?” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>How heartless must V have seemed to him? Like his suffering didn’t faze her at all when in actuality it wrecked her. Like being apart from him was the easiest thing she had ever done as though every moment wasn’t another thing she had to survive. But the core difference is that V has a <em> purpose </em> in cyberspace and memories of Johnny don’t <em> hurt</em>. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Johnny, on the outside, in her body has nothing but a reminder; has nothing but his guilt and regret. Because he hadn’t been able to save her in the end. V owes it to him to make it right. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Know what? I got a better idea.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>A virtual window opens and then suddenly V and Saburo are looking out into a room where Hanako Arasaka sits jacked in to her computer - it looks like she might be in a vid meeting. Over Hanako's shoulder, the light above the office door turns from green to red as V hacks her way into the security system. Any help that might come, will be too late. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Saburo should have left Johnny out of this. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Do you know what my father valued most?”  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Power?”  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Family.”  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You think you got power here cuz you don’t feel pain anymore, so torturing you is pointless; at most I’d just corrupt your code. But you’ve underestimated my reach, <em> over</em>estimated my fuckin’ patience and I don’t have to hurt <em> you. </em>” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>How sweet it is to see the fear return to Saburo’s face. “You would not da —” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hanako’s scream is sudden and shrill. V uploads her virus sequence, burning through Hanako’s neural connection, overloading her implants. And she makes her father watch as she writhes and seizes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Tell me where his body is and I won’t scramble her brain like a fuckin’ egg.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <strong>SOMEWHERE IN THE BADLANDS </strong>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p>[Unknown Sender, 4:50pm]<br/>Need your help. <br/><em>Read 5:27pm</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>[Panam Palmer, 5:28pm]<br/>... Who the fuck is this?<br/><em>Read 5:28pm</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Valencia can go a little feral, as a treat.</p>
<p>Come scream at me and ask me things about Valencia over at tumblr @prettyandsarcastic</p>
<p>Also I'll be going back and making some edits as I continue updating this. I'm just trying to get these out as quickly as I can before my motivation/fixation wanes.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. viii. out of body experience</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>
      <span>viii. out of body experience</span>
    </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He's going to need a new arm. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Why is that the only fucking thing Johnny can think of as he stares at his own body? He's done every drug he could swallow, snort, smoke, and inject but none of those highs compare to the absolute unreality of being in <em>another </em>body and staring at his own. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Johnny Silverhand is perfectly preserved as he had been five decades ago, frost crystallized along his eyelashes. Same disheveled hair, unkempt beard. The only difference being new burn scarring around the port behind his ear - presumably from when Soulkiller fried him out of his own brain. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And the obvious lack of his cybernetic arm. Thanks for that, Smasher. Motherfucker. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It had been… surprisingly easy to get his body. After weeks of planning, of prepping for every eventuality nothing could have prepared them for how alarmingly, </span>
  <em>
    <span>stupidly</span>
  </em>
  <span> easy it had been. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The Arasaka cryo-lab wasn't on any official registry, wasn't listed in any corporate or governmental database. It was something that only the highest levels of Arasaka knew about, but never spoke of or acknowledged. Because it was, above all else, a storage warehouse in the middle of the fucking Mojave Desert. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The warehouse was also entirely automated in an effort to minimize knowledge of it. Small favors because that made it so stupidly simple for a friend in cyberspace to get them inside. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But it had been an </span>
  <em>
    <span>ordeal</span>
  </em>
  <span> to get to that point in the first place. Not counting Panam showing up out of the fucking blue, angry and so goddamn disappointed; and the beating she gave him when she saw the state he was in. Then there was the process of drying Johnny out. Which involved Panam basically fucking kidnapping him and dragging his ass out to the Aldecaldos' camp against his will.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Because everyone wants to fucking detox in 110° heat. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And then came weeks of agony. Johnny had forgotten the pain of withdrawal - the body aches, the stomach cramps, the all consuming, desperate wish for someone to just end it all. And what made it worse was that no one would fucking tell him what the fuck he was doing it for! He didn't owe anything to anyone! Why couldn't they have just let him drown in his misery? The only person who still gave an actual fuck about him wasn't even <em>a person</em> anymore. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Panam's voice from the front of the van pulls Johnny out of his reverie. "Yeah, yeah we got it! … Right, forty-eight hours until the pod fails. And what should we do with - hung up. Of fucking course!" </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He glances up, catches Panam's eye in the rearview and he can guess at what she's thinking. That she only did this because she loves V, and V loves him. And then - if they can succeed in putting Johnny back in his own body what the hell are they going to do with V's? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Could they…? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That's a problem for later though. For now their pressing issue is they have less than two days to get back to Night City and start the process of getting Johnny back in his own body. </span>
</p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry guys, I get migraines and had a low grade one for the last like 4 days. And staring at any kind of screen just made it worse, so I was trying to minimize it before it became fully realized and I ended up having to just sit in my closet (the darkest place in my house) and cry 😩. Thankfully today was better!</p>
<p>I'll try to get a couple more chapters out this weekend because I start a new job on Monday! </p>
<p>I'm probably going to drop some Valencia lore over on my tumblr soon if you're interested 🤗.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. ix. crossroad</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em> ix. crossroad </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>V makes sure she's there when Johnny enters cyberspace, just like the first time in Mikoshi. Waiting for him, always, at this crossroads though uncertain what role she's to play. Charon, at the River Styx or Orpheus, to lead him out from the Underworld. </p><p> </p><p>She's a pit stop before he meets with Alt because V can't do the things Alt can. Not yet at least. In time she'll be able to. She's been here for, what, over two years now? V can already start to feel the changes, feels less… human by the day. </p><p> </p><p>It's a relief, if she's being completely honest with herself. She never has to feel pain or sorrow, fear or anxiety again. Because emotions are just chemicals, hormones released into the brain and translated by a nervous system and those things don't translate into code. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey you," she calls out. </p><p> </p><p>Johnny turns on the spot, a relieved smile lengthening his mouth when he sees her. And as he walks toward her V wonders if maybe things like love take longer to get erased because there's a distinct ache she can still somehow feel. A longing hollowing out a place somewhere within her. </p><p> </p><p>Johnny reaches her and says nothing for a long moment, only cups her face and tilts his forehead down to hers. The laugh he lets out is equal parts relieved and a bit unhinged. </p><p> </p><p>"Missed me, then?" V laughs. </p><p> </p><p>"You got no fuckin' idea," Johnny answers on a laugh. </p><p> </p><p>Except she does. It's connecting from his construct to her, seeking out and lighting up the familiar pieces of him still embedded in her coding. And that longing, that ache is starting to burn like its very own virus. </p><p> </p><p>V sighs. "You don't have a whole lotta time, you gotta go talk to Alt so she can get you back in your body." </p><p> </p><p>"What about you?"</p><p> </p><p>"What about me? Once you're out of my body, it's just… meat. Burn it, bury it, get me a niche – doesn't matter."</p><p> </p><p>"Bullshit! Maybe Alt could —"</p><p> </p><p>V shakes her head, soothes her hands along his shoulders before he gets himself worked up. "No, Johnny. I know what you want to happen here, but I just… don't think it's possible anymore." She pulls one hand from her face, presses her mouth to lines on his palm. "I wish it was… <em> fuck me, </em> I wish it was." </p><p> </p><p>"Valen —"</p><p> </p><p>V presses her fingers to his mouth now. "Stop. I didn't think it through when I gave you my body, I just wanted you to fucking live. I didn't think about the consequences, the… toll it would take. But, you can take your body now, move on - stop letting me haunt you." She smirks, "Maybe start a Samurai cover band."</p><p> </p><p>Johnny snorts out a laugh and rolls his eyes. "Oh, fuck you." </p><p> </p><p>But the playful way he says it makes V think he really means <em> I love you </em>. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I'm excited for the next chapter 😈</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. x. flatline</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>x. flatline</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>The transition back into his own body is just as violent as his removal from it. Johnny gasps as he jerks up out of the ice bath, his lungs feeling like crumpled tin foil. It's disorienting, this difference between his own body and V's, the weight distribution, the way it moves and reacts. </p><p> </p><p>Johnny is distantly aware of Vik and Panam trying to ease him back to reality, get him to calm his breathing and heart rate before he goes into shock but —</p><p> </p><p>He needs to get out of this fucking bath. Because —</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "You will have only a few minutes." </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The cold is bone deep, he can't feel anything past the needlepoint pain of it. But he forces himself out of the bath, slips, tries to catch himself —</p><p> </p><p>The impact of his face against the floor is jarring. Fuck. He'd forgotten about his arm. He's off balance. </p><p> </p><p>Doesn't matter. He's gotta get the fuck up. Johnny can hear the ringing of the flatline tone echoing through Vik's clinic. Yet another person only helping him because of their love of V. She has a way of drawing people to her. </p><p> </p><p>Johnny just never thought he'd be one of those people. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "You will have only a few minutes."  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>One of them produces a blanket from somewhere, throws it around his shoulders. "Come on, asshole, we gotta get you warmed up." Panam. </p><p> </p><p>Johnny shakes his head, tries to push himself up again. He has to get to V, in her own ice bath a few feet away, still jacked into the net even as the brain inside the body starts to die. </p><p> </p><p>"S-sh… shard," he barely manages, his teeth clacking together hard enough to hurt. </p><p> </p><p>"The shard in her head is useless now," Vik sighs, moves to one of his monitors that's charting the death of V's body. His expression is so carefully neutral as he watches the vitals tank. But Johnny is almost certain that the doc would love nothing more than to choke him.</p><p> </p><p>"N-new shard. Giv… slot a bl-blank one. Now." </p><p> </p><p>"Why? What's the fucking point now?" Panam asks, her voice shaky. She's running her hands up and down his arm and across his back over the blanket, trying to warm him, distracted. </p><p> </p><p>Johnny turns to look at her, unsurprised to see the tears clinging to her lashes. Panam will finally be able to properly mourn her friend now, won't have to live with a ghost using her body, her voice, her face like a demon needing to be exorcised. The flatline note still rings out around them like death knell with a finality he is not fucking ready to accept.</p><p> </p><p>"Alt." </p><p> </p><p>And that's all it takes for Vik and Panam to finally move their fucking asses. Vik starts scrambling around for a blank shard, cursing under his breath. Panam pushes to her feet, rushes to V to pull the defunct shard. </p><p> </p><p>He loses the plot for a minute, curls in on himself and is starting to doubt if he's ever going to get warm again. He's still distantly aware of the movement going on around him, but that flatline tone is still fucking echoing through his skull. </p><p> </p><p>Until —</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Beep… beep… beep... </em>
</p><p> </p><p>"Holy fucking shit!" </p><p> </p><p>"Get her outta the ice! Misty!" </p><p> </p><p>The next few hours are tense, the four of them now with the addition of Misty, waiting. Endless fucking waiting. But Vik's already made arrangements for a new arm, so he's got that to look forward to. And V's on Vik's table now, resting, her heart a steady <em> beep-beep-beep </em>. </p><p> </p><p>He doesn't think he's ever heard a more beautiful fucking sound. </p><p> </p><p>At least until V jerks suddenly and sucks in a deep, gasping breath. Johnny jumps to his feet, but Misty stops him, her hand firm but comforting. </p><p> </p><p>"Let Vik." </p><p> </p><p>Valencia's eyes open, that deep, bright blue searching around wildly til they land on the ripperdoc. "... Vik?" </p><p> </p><p>Vik gives her that smile, the one Johnny's pretty sure is reserved just for her. "Hey, kid. Been awhile."</p><p> </p><p>"I-I don't…" she trails off, brings her hands up and flexes her fingers experimentally. "No…" </p><p> </p><p>"Hey, just take it easy, yeah?" Panam tells her as she comes up to the other side of the table.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Beep… beep-beepbeepbeepbeepbeep…  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Her head swivels until her eyes finally land on Johnny. But where he expects relief, there's something else. A confused horror beginning to twist her features and tears rimming her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"What the fuck did you do!?" V shouts.</p><p> </p><p>She starts to reach for all the places connecting her to Vik's monitors. Vik doesn't let her get that far, pulling her hands away, Panam helping hold her as she starts to thrash and buck against the table. And all the while she's screaming, wild and animalistic. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> WHAT DID YOU DO!  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> WHAT DID YOU DO!  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> WHAT </em>
</p><p>
  <em>DID </em>
</p><p>
  <em>YOU</em>
</p><p>
  <em> DO!  </em>
</p><p>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>😈</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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